Change through Choice: Choosing to Create the Relationship You Want You met your soul mate and things were perfect; but now it's been a while. You find yourself wishing that your relationship could be better. You have fantasies of being in the perfect relationship with your perfect partner, but you don't know how to get there.
How well does your current relationship measure up to your fantasies? Are you finding yourself in what seems to be a constant battle, bickering and fighting with your partner? Or do you have easy, loving communication with your partner? Do you find yourself making excuses not to be with your partner? Or do you look forward to the end of the day when you get to be with your partner? Do you find yourself imagining what life would be like if you were alone? Or is it impossible to imagine a future without your partner in it? If your relationship no longer looks like what you hoped it would be, know that you can change your experience by making 3 empowering choices.
Where do you start? Imagine your perfect relationship. What does that really look like to you? Imagine what your perfect partner is like, what your perfect partner would do, how your perfect partner would treat you. Now, include how you are being with your perfect partner, how you would be around that person, how you would treat that perfect someone. Visualize a clear, moving picture, in color, of what you want to create for yourself and your partner.
Visualizing a clear, moving picture of your perfect relationship helps your subconscious mind to know what you really desire so that it can help you to create just what you want. Your subconscious mind is that part of you that knows when to have your heart beat, when to blink and thousands of other automatic processes. Wouldn't you like it to help you create a better relationship, too?
Being able to create your perfect relationship requires not only that your perfect partner be perfect for you, but for you to be the perfect partner for that person as well. Unfortunately, perfect is nearly next to impossible for anyone to be. In reality, a great relationship has perfect moments but it is not perfect all the time. It's not very complicated to create lots of perfect moments. That’s a relief, isn’t it?
There are many components to having, or creating, a great relationship. Having been married now for over thirty five years (to the same partner), I can tell you that there will be many shifts that will happen during the course of your relationship. Many of those shifts will not be smooth, or easy. With the right tools, you can handle the rough patches with a bit of grace, maybe even with joy. I certainly wish I had the information I am about to share sooner. My hope is that you and your relationship will benefit from reading this chapter. If you like what you read, I hope you consider making an appointment with me and allow me the privilege to assist you even further.
Choose every day to fall for your partner, over and over again.
Wouldn't it be great to wake up every morning and see the person you fell in love with and know that all of those great qualities you first saw in your partner are still there? That can be a your reality, if you choose that reality. It will take some effort on your part, but choosing to see your partner through fresh eyes every day will add life to your relationship.
When you think of others making decisions for you or choices being imposed upon you, you are giving away your power. Knowing that YOU are making the choices in your life, even if it is something as simple as how you choose to see your partner, is very empowering.
Making the choice to nurture your relationship is not always easy, but it is rewarding. It is always interesting to me that, even after so many years together, my husband and I can still find something new about each other that surprises and delights both of us. Although most relationships are not usually boring, they can become quite comfortable and complacent.
After a number of years together, it is likely that your most intimate relationship is the one that gets ignored first. Have you become apathetic, assuming that your partner will always be there? Are you paying less attention and making it easier for your partner to put in less effort? All those amazing qualities you once found charming can get buried in the daily grind.
Choosing your partner again every day allows you to focus on all the wonderful things about your partner. You open a door to new possibilities when you create the space for your partner to be more perfect on a daily basis. What you think about, you bring about! When you focus on the good things; suddenly there are more of them. There is often a synchronicity at work that may or may not appear on the surface. Your thoughts are like magic, they draw more of what you think about into your life than you are aware of. Choose to keep your thoughts about your partner positive and loving. Then pay attention to how things start to change.
When you choose to ignore, or not pay attention to your partner, you are in essence choosing to fail at the most profound opportunity you have in life to grow old with someone you love and who loves you in return. An intimate partner is someone that you can be totally yourself with. This gives you a wonderful opportunity to learn from each other, to smooth your own rough edges and to grow in a multitude of ways. You get to choose, by how you are being, whether the growth environment is a good one or not. Loss of a relationship is often caused by a lack of growth, usually seen in a partner creating the same problem over and over again. Eventually, forgiveness is no longer an option, and the relationship self-destructs from there.
When you consider your partner and yourself in designing your relationship together, you can hold a powerful intention for your relationship. When you can hold that intention strongly enough, miracles can happen. When you see the world through the eyes of what you have in common with others, and when you act from a place of love, as opposed to reacting from a place of fear, you can move mountains. Are you able to look at all your similarities instead of all your differences? Can you work toward a common goal instead of being divisive?
The truth is, you already know that if you do not maintain your car or your home, it starts to fall apart. The same is true for your relationship. No matter how long you have been together, it is important to do your best to nurture the relationship. Remember when you noticed every little thing about your partner so you could figure out what would make them happy? Think of one thing you can do today for your partner that you haven't done for a while, and choose to DO IT. When you take another's needs into consideration and make decisions from a heartfelt point of view, you will realize the rewards and benefits in your relationship.
Choose to express yourself clearly, honesty and lovingly when you communicate with your partner.
We all go into relationships with certain expectations, beliefs and habits, some of which you may have developed as far back as early childhood. You have things you want to achieve and experience in partnership with someone you love. Some of those, you are very aware of. Others may remain hidden. Do you know what your partner's expectations are of you, for the relationship? Do you know your own? These are important discussions and hopefully they happen early in a relationship. Have you reached a place where you each know what your goals in life are? Take the time to really get to know your partner and encourage them to get to know you, in a deep and meaningful way.
When you take the opportunities offered to us to form a lasting pair bond, you are letting ourselves in for major opportunities to learn how to get along with another. You are also given the opportunity to help your partner become a better, more well-rounded person when you help them see, through loving eyes, some changes that might help them to get past their own life challenges. This is not an excuse to pass judgement, or criticize your partner. It is an opportunity to lovingly communicate with them how their unwanted behaviours are affecting you and perhaps others in their life. A loving partner will find ways to communicate that are not hurtful or blaming.
If you do not understand each other, or do not even have the desire to understand each other, the relationship starts to fall apart quickly. Effective communication involves both listening clearly and speaking clearly. Listening to you partner and making sure that what was expressed was interpreted properly is just as important as speaking to your partner and making sure that what you expressed was interpreted correctly.
People leave relationships every day though, because there are mistakes that have been made that have broken the relationship permanently for one partner or the other. There is usually no going back after a "deal breaker" mistake. If you hold back on letting your partner know what lines can't be crossed because you are afraid or want to keep the upper hand, that is not being loving. Open up and choose to talk with your partner about what your "deal breaker" issues are. Ask about theirs.
For a lot of people fidelity is the number one deal breaker issue. Have you honestly expressed what fidelity means for you? Do you know how your partner defines fidelity? If not, it's time to discuss what your mutual expectations are around fidelity and how you both expect to interact with others. Don't let your relationship break because you each have different ideas about what being faithful means.
Arguments about money can be deal crushers. More than one relationship has faltered, or been lost, due to differences in financial goals and spending habits. Are your financial goals and habits compatible? Write your goals down, define what your needs are, and allow the opportunity to renegotiate with your partner as new situations come up.
If you haven't yet had a forthright conversation about whether or not to have children, don't delay. Honesty is critical when discussing family. Children are a lifetime commitment, and if you are not on the same page with this decision, your choice to continue with a relationship should be discussed. Make sure you are both in agreement and not expecting the other partner to "come around" or change their mind.
Many jokes are told about mothers-in-law, but how are you really going to handle extended family issues? No one can push your buttons harder than family. Don't let problems with caustic or unreasonable parents, siblings, or other extended family create havoc inside your primary family. Your relationship and any children are your primary family and all of your primary family needs must be considered as primary. Talk with each other about how to present a united front when extended family issues arise.
Relationships come in all kinds of different forms and there is no one right way to co-create a relationship. Developing your own tools and a communication style that works for both partners is something that takes time. When both sides know that they have been truly heard and feel understood, it is much easier to come to agreements and solve conflicts. In a situation where healthy communication thrives, you and your partner will be able to assist each other in recognizing belief patterns around the issues that arise. You can then help each other make the necessary changes that could help permanently alleviate the problem.
Choose to commit to being the best partner you can be in the relationship.
One of the great things about being in a relationship is the opportunity to see yourself and your habits through the eyes of someone who loves you. It gives you an amazing opportunity to grow and you will become a better person if you choose to learn how to smooth out the rough edges we all have.
Choose, every single day, to be the best partner that you can be. Choosing to be a true partner, in the fullest expression of what partnership means to you, means doing the best things possible for yourself and for your partner, every day. When you know that you are doing your best to foster a good relationship, any challenges or conflicts that arise become less stressful. We all make mistakes; that is part of being human. The key is in owning up to those errors in judgment, asking for forgiveness and doing the best you can not to repeat them. It is totally up to your partner as to whether to forgive you, or not. Forgiveness cannot be demanded; it can only be requested. Requesting forgiveness often entails a commitment to not repeat the problem that created the situation in the first place.
When you feel truly happy about your role in maintaining the best relationship possible, you can let go of beating up on yourself. With a healthier, more positive attitude, you will probably find that your partner does not hold on to negative energy for very long, either. This creates a much more relaxed environment for fostering a good relationship.
Conversely, there may be times when your partner makes a mistake. Then it becomes your choice to hold on to the issue, or to forgive and move on. Holding onto mistakes only serves to keep them interfering in your present moments together and denies both of you the opportunity to move past the problem. It is truly a choice for your partnership when you can let go of past mistakes, practice forgiveness, and create an environment for a more loving relationship.
However, in the final analysis, as much as you might wish to be able to change your partner, in truth, you can only change yourself and how you choose to react to situations that are upsetting. It is in choosing how you will respond to a situation, that you can exercise power over your situation. Understand that the choices you make and how you respond to situations that are uncomfortable to you is often more about you than about your partner.
The comfort zone you have gotten used to, is seldom actually comfortable in the long run. When you avoid your responsibility to live life from a bigger place, or when you do not take responsibility for your own life by blaming others for your difficulties, you give away your power. Choosing a relationship from a place of self-determination is a much more powerful choice than clinging to a relationship from a place of feeling weak or needing support. If you have done the work to be the best person you can be, your partner can feel safe and be inspired to be the best person they can be. That's a big win for both of you, and the relationship.
Your perfect relationship awaits
… … all you have to do is find your vision and choose to follow it. Know that your limitations are only determined by your fears and your ego.
Holding a powerful vision for your relationship and for your life is the ultimate manifestation tool. There are many great people who did not have a great start in life. But they had a vision, and they did not let anyone knock them off their course of pursuing that vision. Martin Luther King did not live in a world that he liked, but he knew it could be changed. His vision of a better future actually brought that future into reality. Whatever state your relationship is in now, know that it can be changed. Spend some time every day visioneering the future of your relationship and watch how quickly you make it a reality.
Mother Theresa started out doing small acts of kindness, but as she held tight to her vision, she brought other people into her world and together they all changed the world. Choose to fall in love with your partner, today and every day. Commit a small act of kindness for your partner and watch the changes begin. This is something you do for yourself. Choose to share the vision of your relationship with your partner and bring other people into your world who can help support you.
You can change your relationship by choosing to live your life from a place of purpose and power. Don't let anyone dissuade you from achieving, or at the least, working on bringing your visions to life.
Support along the way.
I truly hope that you have found this chapter useful. If you choose it to be so, your current relationship can measure up to your fantasies. If you are having some challenges making new choices or if you require some assistance in removing blocks or fears that keep you from living the vision you want to hold, I would be very pleased to support you. appointment. If you would like to read more about building your relationship, I am Please visit my website at www.bethhaley.com or call 306-330-4436 to book a coaching currently finishing the book "88 Keys to Harmonious Relationships".
Haley's Comet Coaching
360-330-4436
Rimbey, Alberta, Canada
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